Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
