dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
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