i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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