I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
