I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
MIDGETS
????
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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