do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
