I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
