i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she smelled like a LAN party
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
