True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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