New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
