he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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