4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
