He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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