He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
