Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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