clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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