the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
