All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I have feelings that need drinking.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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