So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
