she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
