Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
