If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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