He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
