I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
