I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
