i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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