my phone needs a breathalizer
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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