He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
he was CRYING into my vagina
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
