I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
