ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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