I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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