I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
