That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
