I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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