Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
