She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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