Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
