I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
