Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
