We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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