Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
