You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
