I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
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