Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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