i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
