Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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