Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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