I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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