I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Randomize
