I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
