I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
whose parrot is this?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
