My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
